The issue which concerns me lately, especially after the movies have made it popular, and there seems to be very few knowledgeable, experienced Doms and hundreds of novice female submissives eager to have their first kinky experiences.
This large demand vs. supply imbalance has created a dynamic where unscrupulous men online are posing as experienced Doms and are sexually preying on novice submissives.
Just A Few Things All Novices Need To Know
There is a few things all novice submissives need to understand to stay safe before meeting anyone claiming to be an experienced Dom from online for the first time:
- If a Dom demands you do sexual acts which are either dangerous to your health (i.e. unprotected sex with strangers) or against your will (i.e. rape/assault), he is likely a poser and/or sexual criminal. All BDSM play should be safe, sane and consensual with predefined limits. Always listen to the voice in your head about people, it is trying to keep you safe and alive.
- If a Dom demands you to call him Sir or Master at a first meeting, he may be a poser (or very formal, very rigid or self-important)! The first meeting should be a meeting of equals who are trying to determine if there is a common foundation of interest, fit and chemistry to pursue a potential D/s relationship, and should be done in a public place, like a restaurant.
- If a Dom does NOT discuss your past BDSM experiences, limits, concerns or safe words, he is likely a poser. One of the most important aspects of being a Dom is ensuring a sub’s emotional and physical safety during a session. If he is not discussing your limits, he is not concerned with your safety!
- For any novice submissive, having no BDSM experiences is always better than a bad, scary or dangerous BDSM experience that scars you emotionally or physically. Be patient. Don’t submit to the first man you meet claiming to be a Dom.
- An experienced Dom should exude a degree of calm confidence that puts you at ease with time. A predator will make you feel pressured to obey his agenda, manipulation attempts and demands.
- An experienced Dom should ask you about your BDSM interests, experiences and limits. His goals for the meet should be to build rapport and trust for ongoing relationship, not a one-time sexual encounter for rough sex.
- Sensual Domination is about trust and seduction. An experienced Dom should inspire trust and seduce your mind so you want to give him control over your body and mind. A predator will use aggression to pressure you to meet his agenda.
- When you meet a new Dom from online, he is not YOUR Dom yet. He is simply complete stranger from the Internet who claims to know something about training submissives. You don’t know anything about his psychological history or his sexual or criminal past. Treat him accordingly. Feel free to test his BDSM knowledge and challenge his training expertise. Ask detailed questions about his training process. Ask for areas of BDSM expertise (rope, impact play, caning, suspensions, etc). Ask for references. You have every right to refuse all sexual demands he places on you during your first meeting. He is not your Dom yet…
- Ask what type of Dom he is; Sadist (pain-based) or Sensual Dom (pleasure-based).
- Ask about his relationship preference; BDSM play partner, monogamous, non – exclusive, polyamorous or as part of stable of submissives. Ask how many subs he currently has and how often you would see each other.
- There should be no rush to submit to anyone. You choose your Dominant when you meet someone who meets your selection criteria and passes your gut check. Interview several Dom candidates first to make an informed decision. Until you select the Dom you want to be trained by, you are a completely free woman.
Trust is the critical for your physical and mental well-being. It takes both time and consistency of words and actions. Watch for inconsistencies that should trigger alarms in your mind.
There are many men attracted to the BDSM community recently who claim to be Dominants who are simply violent women haters or are looking for a quick hookup. They are not Dominants. They simply confuse the label “kinky” with “open to rough sex from any man” or “DTF”.
- There is a huge difference between consensual kinky rough sex and sexual assault. Consent is given explicitly and with conditions of hard & soft limits.
- Consensual kinky sex comes with safe words. You are always in full control. You can slow down or stop any Domination session at anytime.
- Take a test drive session. No need to make any commitment until you have real proof of skills and knowledge.
- ALWAYS listen to the voice in your head. It’s millions of years of evolution trying to keep you safe. Leading up to the first meeting or during your first meeting, if there are little logical inconsistencies in his story about his situation, his past, his experiences as a Dom or his behavior that makes you slightly uneasy but you cannot put your finger on some specific issue, then listen to that voice.
I hope this helps anyone.