Times have changed, and people see the D/s dynamic differently from the days when I was trained. One of the worst things that happened to the lifestyle was the release of Fifty Shades of Grey movies.
Not only did vanillas, plunge into kink unprepared, but the community was infused with men who think they are dominant and are itching to try it without training, education or a mentor to help them be safe, sane and consensual. It brought a LOT of predatory men that risk hurting a submissive. Please understand that before you jump into a session or relationship with ANY Dom make sure you have your safety valves in place. Make sure you have friends you can count on as a safety link.
A true Dominant does not have to tell you that he is dominant, for it is obvious. The Good ones have taken the time to learn through either mentorships, training and/or education in their local munch. They will naturally be defined in their dominance by his appearance, communication, presence, patience, control of himself and has a desire to make the submissive better, not only his own. This Dom does not have to bully you. Most true Dominants do not have to tell you that you are his property and you HAVE to do as he say. He may like the Power Exchange, but knows that the sub does have a choice. He knows that true control of a sub really does not exist, because she does have this choice. Therefore, he doesn't have to speak about ownership, for it is given, and secondly, he makes you aware of it without having to say a single word on the subject... His actions speak louder than words!
Respect is also very important, and that goes both ways between a Dom and a sub, for a Dom will always treat his Sub with respect. Even if he calls you "his dirty little slut"... you will know that he does not mean it in a negative way. He also listens, not just hears you and not only for your safe word. He listens intently to anything you have to say, even if it's about your shoes and handbag. This is how he shows you that you are important to him and what you have to say is just as important. Please keep in mind he is also consistent and reliable. Honor that if he tells you he will do something, he will and you should never have any doubts.
So the next question I get asked is what is the difference between BDSM and the D/s lifestyle. Well BDSM can be in both the single session and a D/s relationship, but a D/s relationship is so much more than floggings, spankings and bondage and sex. It's so much more than a vanilla relationship. The key elements of a D/s relationship are honesty, trust, honor, integrity, obedience and sacrifice. To have a successful D/s relationship, TRUST is a primary factor in the Dom’s honor, integrity, care, education and safety in order for you to trust him, and this is NOT given the first day! He has to earn it! This is not Fifty Shades of Grey and it's not a game. This Exchange of Power in the wrong hands can be very dangerous.
There is somethings you should watch for:
- The supposed Dom demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it is earned needs to be ignored.
- Starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No true Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. Most subs tell me they would rather see a Dom’s face.
- Gives you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another wannabe.
- NO real Dom ignores your hard limits. If they do, DO NOT just walk away, RUN AWAY! Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an abuser and/or want-a-bee Dom. A Dominant WILL push your limits, however, not without first talking to you.
- He disregards your safe word.
- If he has no honor and lies. Most real Dominants I know are honest to a fault. If they aren’t, how can you communicate openly and honestly if he has no honor and integrity?
- If he thinks more about his pleasure than your own and ignore yours. This is NOT a sign of a real Dom.
- He makes you feel bad about yourself. D/s should build both people up, not tear you down.
- He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. A good Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from people who care about you won’t achieve that. It will simply show that he’s selfish and insecure. A control wannabe Dom will remove all your friends, and support group. This is VERY dangerous. A true Dominant wants what is best for his sub, so why would he ostracize you from your friends, unless he want you to do things that are not safe, and he does not want your friends to warn or stop you. Please be careful, if this happens, IT IS A RED FLAG! Keep in mind it should ALWAYS be SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL!
Do not let yourself get sucked in by a "wannabe Dom" It is sad in today’s world that subs can’t trust if a Dom is real and safe. A true Dom is as valuable as a true sub. When both are in sync, it can be a gorgeous melding of balance.